Monday, July 6, 2015

I can do this...right?

This past week of running has been a slog-fest. I've forced myself to get through each run interval and walked far more than I should. I've been achieving my goals in distance but it's literally been taking me twice as long as it used to to accomplish it. It is very frustrating. To boot, I need new shoes as the ones I bought just before the accident have finally worn out, or rather my "good" leg's shoe has worn out from the new weight imbalance. I don't even know what shoe would work for me nowadays. Do I continue to buy minimal shoes, knowing I need far more forefoot padding than I used to? Do I stick with what I know? Does it matter since I'm slower than a turtle in peanut butter? I'm not just frustrated with my shoe choice though, it's my lack of groove. I just want to be back to normal. I want to just throw on a pair of shoes and go, to feel that steady beat of my feet, wind in my hair and sweat on my forehead. Lately though it's felt more like some kind of weird horse gallop, no wind (I'm not going fast enough) and yes, there is sweat, a lot of it, everywhere except on my forehead. Ugh. I'm doubting myself. My ability to "get through this", my ability to bounce back in any shape or form. It doesn't help that my husband, who used to be my biggest supporter, now me tells me to take more time off. I am taking it easy though. Honestly. I run up to 4 times a week (down from 6-7) and I still haven't cracked that 8km mark, although I've only made it to 8km once in the past 6 months. So it's not like I'm overdoing it. I see my surgeon this week. This appointment is an update since I had the HA injection 3 months ago. I'll tell him that I think it had some positive affect. I don't hurt all day long any longer, now the more severe pain waits until the end of the day. I'll also tell him that I need a new physiotherapist as my last one was a total bust (treating the wrong side of the knee). I still ice every. single. day. I still take pain killers every. single. day. My leg still swells, sometimes with the changes in weather, sometimes for no apparent reason at all. And I still wake up most nights with some kind of leg pain, whether it be my quadriceps or my knee. We'll see what he says. I don't really expect him to do anything actually. I expect him to tell me (again) to have patience and that this takes time and to continue to push through the pain when I run...and he'll see me in another 3 months. I don't expect him to suggest more HA therapy or anything more invasive, and I can't get a different brace until next year when my insurance will cover it, so really, there's not much to chat about. But I'll go, because at least he encourages me to run.

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